Lexi FS 019 Apr 4, 2022 to Julius First of all, I'm very s..

Lexi FS 019

Apr 4, 2022

to Julius
First of all, I'm very sorry that this is so late. Things got busy on Saturday and then I didn't even make it upstairs where my computer is on Sunday because I had several more things to do yesterday and I still only got to some of them.

Secondly, I really hope my previous report didn't come across as complaining as that was not my intent, I was just trying to be honest about my feelings and reactions and some of them, as you've probably noticed, are a surprise to me as well but that's part of the fun and interesting part of going through this ongoing longterm process, seeing what works and doesn't and how to interpret and reconcile and deal with that.

That said, I really appreciate you giving me a more relaxed in some ways session last week and for trying to balance things out.

- - -

I arrived and changed into my standard uniform, one of my three black and white maid uniforms and some white thigh high socks. This particular uniform has a zipper up the back that I can't close or open by myself when I'm wearing it and while we have in the past sometimes left it somewhat undone on this occasion Sir stepped in and helped to pull it tight and to zip me up. I again found this embarrassing, a middle aged adult male being zipped into a woman's maid uniform, sort of sealing me in as a sissy until he saw fit to release me. I wondered if he could see me blushing as he finished and I went off to my duties. Sometimes the 'no eye contact unless ordered rule' is your friend.

I was also wearing a new piece of underwear. I'd found some panties online that had sort of a pouch over the crotch. While I'm not well endowed enough on my own to need such an accommodation I ordered this pair to give them a try for using with some chastity devices that fit quite comfortably generally but that protrude out more from the body. That's not an issue if I'm not wearing underwear but when I am the underwear sometimes pushes the devices like this against my body in a way that becomes pretty uncomfortable. With these underwear there was space for the protruding chastity device and I found it to be much more comfortable to wear during the session and they were still mostly pink and frilly enough to not be mistaken by anyone as masculine underwear and to be in keeping with the emasculating spirit of the rest of my outfit.

Once dressed in the above, plus my black leather collar with the three D-rings around it, I set off to my chores. Tonight's session consisted of cleaning in the kitchen, laundry, sweeping of the hard floors, which is all of the downstairs, and the downstairs bathroom. As I got started it appeared that Sir had likely already done some cleaning before I arrived. This made me feel somewhat bad as I feel that is part of my purpose, to free him from such mundane tasks so that he can do things that are more fun or fulfilling for him but it is of course his decision to do as much or as little of his own housework as he wants and I also appreciated that sometimes he does more of the housework so that there is more time left later for me to help with filming or providing him amusement or some other services or attention to him or his feet.

Once I had finished with the cleaning Sir called me over to his desk. He had me lay down on my back with my head under his desk and then to scoot back as much as I could so that my torso and head was under the desk. As I did so I found that he had bunched up a thick blanket and put it under the desk for me to lay against so I was at an angle and not flat on my back.

Sir then sat down in his desk chair and put his bare feet up on my chest, with his medium dirty feet up in front of my face. Sir had also put a glowing reddish light under the desk to provide some light so that I was able to see somewhat what was in front of me. As I began to massage his feet I chuckled a bit as I wondered if this closed in area under his desk might become known as the 'foot slave cave' or something like it as it did sort of have that function and feel.

Per Sir's orders I then began to alternately massage Sir's feet with my hands for a couple of minutes and then to massage and lick them with my tongue. I went back and forth doing this, helping to - I hope - relax his muscles and feet after a long day's work, and to make them cleaner and more refreshed by way of a bath from my tongue. While Sir's feet had looked noticeably dirty I could not taste most of it on this occasion though I was grateful when Sir let me pause occasionally as I processed and swallowed some piece of grit or dirt from the bottoms of his feet. I don't know if I'll eventually be able to just process and swallow as I go or if it is some sort of automatic biological function that makes me pause my licking to deal with the foreign matter but it may be for the best as the pause and processing forces me to think about just what it is I'm doing, willingly ingesting the dirt off of someone's feet rather than to somehow skip over or suppress the reality of the action. Sometimes it's best, or at least more humiliating and perhaps entertaining for Sir and others, when things don't become too casual or automatic.

After massaging and licking Sir's sole I was allowed to adjust to focus on the top of his foot, first doing long 'lollipop' licks up the bottoms of his toes before focusing on each toe one at a time, taking it into my mouth and swirling my tongue around it a couple of times, then running my tongue across the toenail in both directions, and then sucking on the toe for a bit before moving onto the next one.

I also took some time to just hold the big toe in my mouth for a while to help further train and I guess maybe desensitize my historically sensitive gag reflex. And I think I found a new technique to help with that during this session. At first I started counting silently to try to see if I could go 15 or so seconds without needing to pause and back off of the toe to avoid gagging. But then I tried going the other direction, counting DOWN from 20 to 0. And I think this helped psychologically as, rather than sort of facing an uphill battle of making it to 20, my brain may have had an easier time to know that the number was getting smaller and the approaching moment of zero was getting closer and that I could then take a break if I could just hold on a bit longer until I reached it. I'm not sure if it's a surefire technique but I want to try it some more. The one advantage of counting up, though, is that if I reach the goal number it's perhaps more easy or at least intuitive to keep going for some 'bonus' time whereas once you get to zero you more naturally feel like you're finished and therefore inclined to stop. But perhaps I could try to tell myself to keep going into negative numbers, or then start counting forward again, to try to train beyond the goal.

Writing about this part of the session and the bigger picture goal of trying to reduce my gag reflex made me think about something else which I'm frankly quite reluctant to bring up. And that is I can think of two or three things that I've found in kink that I like in theory, or to see and/or hear happening to someone else but that I truly don't enjoy doing myself, other than from a submission and/or humiliation angle. One of those is drooling. I like watching submissive girls in gags or tied in some position or way so that they have no choice to drool but the one or two times it was me being made to drool I really didn't like while it was happening to me. And another is gagging. I intellectually like the concept of a sub gagging, especially if it's on a foot being forc d into their mouth or them being forc d onto a foot, sort of a 'too much of a good thing' or just a basic 'overload, deal with it' situation and I like when the dominant enjoys it or does it deliberately to exercise their control and to torment and humiliate the sub, but I really don't care for it when it's me doing the gagging. I think part of it is the panic response that I won't be able to recover and that things will somehow go very wrong,/or maybe it's just a larger loss of control issue.

So it occurs to me there are at least 3 categories of kink activities: the like/like range where both the intellectual and physical or emotional sides of you enjoy the activity, then I guess this section, the like/dislike category where the intellectual or emotional part of you may like what is happening but another part does not, and then of course the dislike/dislike kind where you just don't like the activity on any level and really don't want to do it. But going back to that middle category, there may be some part of you that wants it to happen more or again, even though part of you really doesn't like it. I wouldn't say that's exactly frightening necessarily but it is definitely a bit unsettling and difficult to face or admit to yourself, or anyone else. Luckily it's not like I'm writing a diary or journal or something of that nature where someone else might learn that and I might come to regret it. Oh, wait....

So after finishing with the first foot Sir repositioned and had me repeat the process with the second foot. And I'm not sure if it was because I was quite tired, which I was as I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before, and I hit some wall of exhaustion around this time, or if it was a bad angle I couldn't seem to adjust for or something else but I just did not feel like I did as good of a job on the second foot. In fact I sort of spaced out for a bit, perhaps processing some of the things above, and had to snap myself out of it at some point, perhaps after something Sir said, and try to recommit and focus my attention to try to do an adequate job of massage, worship, and cleaning on the other foot while Sir read a book and listened to some music on the stereo in the background, some interesting jazz rock sort of trio