My whole life I have been highly sensitive. I use exercise a..

My whole life I have been highly sensitive. I use exercise as a way to help me find the present moment and release stuck emotion. I'm working on meditation every day but like most it is not an easy process. Sometimes I feel like I am born into a world that doesn’t care. I'm the girl that feels everything. Everything I do is done with thought and concern for others and me second. If you ask my family they will often say why dont you get something for you for change or take time for yourself. You are always giving to everyone else. I was raised in a house where my mum suffered a lot and all I wanted to do was be the easiest kid and not make her life more difficult. I did that so well that when I struggle with my daughter being stronger than me of late, I ask my mum if I was like that. Mum says no. She said I was an easy kid. I slept right through the first night I was home. Being easy doesnt mean your internal world or life is easy, far from it. I am so proud my daughter is strong willed and has boundaries. However, sometimes I do not know how to handle that strength and set boundaries because the kick back is exhausting. As a kid my mum and brother used to come into my room and mess up my books and cds. I had them in alphabetical order. Maybe it was something to do with my Dyslexia so I could read them properly or I was just super tidy? After they messed the order up. They would wait for me to come into my room and watch me and laugh when I was upset it was not in order. I say to mum why would you do that wouldn't it be a gift to have a tidy kid? I’ve learned over the years to not be so ordered. It doesn’t in the real world. Many people that spend time with me know I do not choose often or express my needs. I still do not want to disturb others' flow. I just want to fit in. This often puts me in a place of discomfort doing things outside my comfort zone. I believe it is good to be outside your comfort zone. However boundaries are also important too. I am working on those. As mentioned earlier I grew up with dyslexia. I still struggle today with it. I am proud of myself as I have learned German for casual conversation. I took 4 years of French as a kid and only remember 4 words. So to learn German and converse on my own is a big win for me. As a kid to cope with my learning difficulties I became a hard worker. So I could overcome what others found easy. Learning to spell words I would write a list and memorize the words for the next spelling test. I cannot sound words out. In English I would get Cs barely passing due to my dyslexia. In school I was called a Spock. I was always studying because otherwise I would not pass the tests others found easy. Since I was a kid everything I do I put my heart and soul into. I learned hardwork got me to where I wanted to go. The only subject that came naturally, surprise, surprise was sport. However, I used to run 100km a week to be an international runner. train in swimming 5 days a week 4-6km sessions and do 2 x2hr sessions of water polo practice to be a state swimmer and national water polo player. So truthfully I've always worked hard. Even today. People think flexibility and fitness comes naturally to me. For me over the last 10 years I've trained 2 hrs most days at 5-7am before work to achieve my goals. So I am not sure anything comes naturally. I just work hard. But as you see I endure suffering too and am a work in progress, because I’m still terrible at setting boundaries and asking for what I want or using my voice fully, as I don’t want to upset people. One day I had a business meeting. For dinner we were asked what we wanted. I said anything is fine. So seafood pizza it was. If anyone knows me well. I don’t like little eyes staring at me or legs in my dish. I also am not a fan of seafood pizza. I was so determined not to make a fuss I ate one piece then another to the point I finally nearly vomited. That was when I finally said I don’t want anymore. I’m a people pleaser by heart and my suffering can go a long way before I set boundaries. I’m working on it but it's a work in progress. People see me as confident on social media and maybe everything looks easy but I want you to know the real me. I am shy. I am a work in progress. I am sensitive. It is easy to film and share content when you are the only person in the room. If you met me in person, sharing these skills on a stage unless I have a teaching gig would not happen. I hardly ever go and do a handstand publicly in random places. I am working on building more courage to do this. My dream is to think less and do more without hesitation. I am a person when I say I will do something, I follow through. When things don’t go to plan and I disappoint others I feel really overwhelmed. I know you cannot please everyone but it’s hard for me not to care. In the last few years I’ve had some great souls in my life let me down. It challenged me immensely. They had to focus on themselves and I understand this but in the meantime they forgot they would impact and limit others by not showing up for them. I am also grateful for there are amazing friends who see me like last night and remind me it's okay. I cherish those people who can see through it all. What I find hardest about this is the impact is a ripple effect. People look at me like I’ve done something wrong and or make an intention that isn’t mine. It then causes people to see me as the problem or doing something wrong. It breaks my heart and often we can't fix it as people do not want to hear your side of the story. It is a bit like Instagram/youtube. If you wear a bikini and do yoga you are automatically erotic content. You can write to them as much as you want but they will not see you are hosting a yoga challenge, you are a swimmer and a swimsuit is your normal attire, you are comfortable in a bikini and love doing yoga that way, sensuality is different from erotica etc. They will be stuck on their views. Infact on youtube I did a yoga flow in Vienna Austria with a professional photographer. Youtube took it down and gave me a strike on my account as they decided my handstands were sexual. I wrote to them and asked how they can have bikini girls at the beach, gymnasts perform in one suit and it is okay and you gave me a strike. They just sent me an automatic response that sexual content is not allowed. That is the world we live in and that is how many of our interactions happen as humans too. We do not give people a chance to tell their stories. As a highly sensitive person this impacts me deeply. Because my whole life I’ve not wanted to make waves and only want to help people. I know I’m the girl on social media that is naked for some. However this isn’t to make people uncomfortable or be erotic it’s actually about healing for me. Once you’ve experienced assäult, abüse and traüma (cant spell these words properly or social media dont let you post or often remove the posts). Like most of us big or small T you have to find a way to reconnect with yourself and the present moment. They say beginning to feel a sense of sensuality is connected to reclaiming one's voice, agency, creativity, vulnerability, and power and that is true for me. To love your body, to experience sensuality; like enjoying a cup of tea or dancing to music is a gift to me. To find intimacy in connection with yourself, others and life and not be ashamed about it is a milestone for me. To love your body and not feel like it’s a walking limitation is life changing. To dance like nobody's watching helps me to breathe through anxiety. To get out of my head into my body is medicine, movement is medicine. To breathe for me and say words in my own voice is one of the greatest blessings in the world. A THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. -Victor Hugo, novelist and dramatist (26 Feb 1802-1885) My friend sent me this quote and for me this rings true. Last night I struggled immensely. I wanted something to come to fruition and it didn’t and it ended up falling apart, to the point I looked like what I wanted was something else. I could not enjoy my dinner and I could not even sit and watch a movie. Today starts again and I have to work hard to feel I’m ok. Right now I wish I could ride off into the sunset to a place where I feel seen and understood and do not feel me right now. However, instead I’m writing this post figuring out how I can find more compassion and less empathy so I can feel suffering less. I share this with you all because I get the sense many don’t really see the internal worlds on socials they only see what is meant to be seen. I want you to know if you struggle with anxiety, self love, healing, life is hard or whatever suffering it is. We are all on this journey together learning to put compassion into action so we can reduce suffering. No one has it down pat. It’s something we have to work on our whole life reducing suffering. Self care is not selfish and if you care as deeply as me and many. You’ll realise self care is at the heart of benefiting others and changing the world. To know who you are, to be responsible with who you are, how you feel and what you do with your mind, body and soul is the greatest act of service to your life and others. The goal in life is not to become a Buddha if you meditate. It is to become a Buddha in order to be able to display the enlightened activities for the beings to remove their suffering. Progressing on the path to meditation is a way to help us get to the root of suffering, rather than patching up suffering, which is ignorance and endless suffering. What is exciting today is that neuroscience has proven that similar areas of the brain are activated both in the person who suffers and in the one who feels empathy. Thus, empathic suffering is a true experience of suffering. So now I know why I suffer so much as a highly sensitive person. However, I can't just sit there and blame how I was born. So that is why I share and write my journey as I learn to grow and learn how to suffer well in life. I see so many complain about how long it takes to get fit, flexible or our minds to calm down. However, so many of us do not regret the years it takes to complete an education or master a crucial skill. So I hope we can learn to stop complaining about the perseverance needed to become a well-balanced and truly compassionate human being?” I have also come to understand that although some people are naturally happier than others, their happiness is still vulnerable and incomplete, and that achieving durable happiness as a way of being is a skill. It requires sustained effort in training the mind and developing a set of human qualities, such as inner peace, mindfulness, and altruistic love. And my dream in sharing here online is we build communities and do it together so we do not feel alone in our suffering and can rise by lifting others.